“What makes conflict so painful is that we are desperate to be heard but too upset to listen, desperate to be understood but too upset to be understanding, desperate to be validated but too upset to be validating. What can help you get what you need is the willingness to stoke even a small ember of empathy for your partner's experience" - Alexandra Solomon
I remember my husband looking at me in horror as I was mentioning to someone about all my crazy symptoms, that I don’t know how long I’ll feel this way, or how long my menopause will last, could be a few more years, or not.
He literally looked like someone had just thrown his golf bag off the harbour bridge.
“Years? Years? Are you kidding me? I can’t handle years.”
Part (ok most) of me (ok all of me) wanted to scream, “You have no clue”. This is not a choice I made. This would not be something I would choose as a matter of fact. But it’s here. We both have to deal with it. Well in all honesty, he didn’t have to do anything, he could walk away, he could ignore, pretend it wasn’t happening, any number of other ways to deal with my menopause. In a perfect world I would have loved for Cam in that moment to be embracing, loving, tender, considerate with anything and everything I was feeling. Though the changes I was going through did affect him. There’s no rule book or emotional map for our partners in this game. When I wasn’t wallowing in sweat and frustration I did feel for Cam and how our marriage was changing. I was not seeking any physical intimacy and I was so irritated...often with him.
A couple of years ago I mentioned to an older gentleman that I was writing a book about menopause and joked that it will be a book he will never have an interest in. His response surprised me. He said, “I wish I had a book like your writing when my wife was going through menopause, we couldn’t make it work through that time and I was lost as to how to help her. We’ve been divorced 15 years now”.
“My wife is going through menopause, everyone speaks of the women, what about the men these women are married to? It's so hard for husbands trying to deal with a menopausal woman. It's been 6 yrs that we've been dealing with it. I'm ready to leave her. I can't deal with the non-stop arguing, smart mouth, and blaming me for everything. I'm drained and feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown.” Youtube quote
Dear partner of Menopausal Women
Hello and welcome aboard what could possibly feel like The Crazy Train. The ride could be rough, it will be bloody hot and sometimes freezing cold. Buckle in. We are on a journey and yes you're coming with us. There may be road-blocks, separate beds, tears (almost a guarantee). But there is an end to all this.
If you could be so kind as to hang in there with us, you may just really love the final destination. A wonderful, feisty, creative, honest woman.
Here’s something to keep in mind as often as you can recall it. Women can be complicated, but at the end of the day we just want to be loved and heard. I know you need the same thing from us too. I know you need to talk about the challenges of living with us as well. That the wife or partner you married might seem different now. I get it. Depending on where your partner is at, she may not be the best person to talk with about all those items. Maybe she is, in her quieter, cooler moments talking to her without blaming would be a positive thing. Remember there are many ways to feel close to your partner, rather than sex being a same old one course meal, offer a banquet! If your partner does not feel like sex, offer her just to lay in your arms, ask if she would like a foot rub. Get creative about how you can still have intimacy, though with one main point. Let her know, that this foot massage, or cuddle on the couch, does not mean you then are OWED sex. Let the intimacy build, let her simply feel you, feel loved by you without the pressure of sex.
I’ve created a blueprint for intimacy for you partners out there based on what I need to hear from my husband. Obviously use your own words, and if you already know how to speak to your partner with healing kind words, amazing! Maybe you could share your knowledge with a friend whose relationship might be strained from the changes their wife is going through.
My husband can be at a loss at knowing what to say when I am at a low point about my body or my life in general. He is a Mr Fixit Dude, and when I’m emotional he slightly panics as to what are the best words to say. He just wants to know the “right” words that will bring his wife closer to him once more. Can you relate to that?
Ok, here’s an example of one conversation with my husband.
This is how NOT to respond.
ME: I wish I could wear shorts, but I can’t anymore, my legs look like they kind of melted, they just seemed to have gone to mush overnight. My legs are ugly.
HUSBAND: But you are doing exercise right, they shouldn’t look like that?
ME: I don’t get it. I don’t understand a lot of my body right now. I’ve been doing exercise, they just seem to be getting more flabby.
HUSBAND: (Cue silence for 2 long minutes). So what do you want for dinner?
You know what happened after that? I was hurt, sad and felt like the ugliest human on earth.
You know how my husband felt? Utterly confused and panicked as he didn’t know the right words and knew he’d put his foot in his mouth again but felt nothing he would say would make any difference anyway
Now I KNOW we can’t look for outside validation. I KNOW that our beauty comes from how we feel about ourselves, I KNOW that we don’t need a man/woman to tell us we are beautiful. I also KNOW, I do want my husband to find me attractive and offer some support whilst feeling so incredibly crappy feels really important right now.
So, let’s try this again shall we? How about this for a supportive dialogue.
ME: I wish I could wear shorts, but I can’t anymore, my legs look like they kind of melted, they just seemed to have gone to mush overnight. My legs are ugly.
HUSBAND: Honey, you can wear anything and I still love you. I love your legs, always have always will.
ME: I don’t get it. I don’t understand a lot of my body right now. I’ve been doing exercise, they just seem to be getting more flabby
HUSBAND: It must be really challenging for you and what you are feeling. If there is anything I can do to help you let me know. We will get through this together. Just know that I love you and I always see you as beautiful.
Annnnnnnd end scene.
Does that seem doable? It’s pretty simple. But wow, does it make a world of difference when we feel like you are in this crazy time with us.
Ok look. How to compliment a menopausal woman may actually be harder than swimming the English channel, one armed, blind folded. One day the compliment you are giving seemed fine and the next day she may look at you with a total death stare.
For example, another conversation with my husband.
Cam: You’re getting your body back.
Me: What, so I’d lost it before?
Cam: Well you were the one that said you were fat and bloated, I’m just saying you’re getting your body back. It’s great.
Me: (Internally thinks, my body BACK? What if I didn’t lose weight, why is it great I’m looking like I did before, why can’t it be ok that I am the shape I am now, the pressure is always to keep the youthful figure, instead I swallow and say…) Thanks.
I know Cam is attempting a compliment here. I’ll take it as the intent it was delivered, for him to say something nice.
SO HOW CAN YOU SUPPORT YOUR WOMAN THROUGH MENOPAUSE?
I know, it can be a challenging time for partners as well, so much might be changing. Not only for your partner emotionally and physically, but within your relationship, As her partner, believe me you can help. Research shows taking the time to read up and understand Menopause for yourself is a great form of support.When her head she’s feeling unusually sensitive about a subject you will know it’s just her hormones. Your knowledge about Menopause can make a big difference for the both of you. The more you know, the more ways you can support her. Having a partner who can understand that Menopause and all her symptoms might be wreaking havoc on your wife and not take it personally is the best medicine a gal can have.
Here’s some tips that might help you both.
Talk about it
Letting your partner know that you are there to listen and talk about what she is experiencing is a great way to support her, whatever her mood. That kind of support can shift and improve her wellbeing and assist her to cope with the symptoms.
Your partner’s menopausal symptoms affect you too. Make sure she knows that you’re in this together and you are doing your best to understand how she feels.
Remember Menopause doesn’t last forever, I promise, eventually the symptoms will subside. If you do have concerns for your partner, maybe a gentle suggestion that she sees a Dr, therapist, whomever could help her the most. You are on the outside looking in, and you may just be the best person to notice how hard a time your partner is having. Suggesting a Dr visit shows how much you care. Going with her to the appointment would be a beautiful show of solidarity.
Understand your partner might not want sex
Oh boy, this is a tough one. I think of all the challenges in a relationship that Menopause may bring, the lack of sex can drive a wedge bigger than anything.
I can’t say this enough, when your partner says,“I don’t want sex” doesn’t mean she doesn’t want you.
One of the symptoms of menopause can be a change in sex drive.Trust me the hormones might be spiking or dropping like a rollercoaster, so sex is the last thing on our minds. It can be just as devastating to us as it is to you. Don’t take it personally, it’s not about you.
Midlife stresses brought on by career change, the loss of a loved one, empty nest syndrome or caring for elderly parents can contribute to a declining libido.
Throw in how she feels when she looks in the mirror and the last thing on a menopausal woman’s mind is sex. Your partner is in self-survival mode, and may be in no mood to connect physically.
You might need to take it back to good old G rated romance, spending quality time together, finding new ways to connect. Hold hands on the beach walk, dinner by candlelight. All that good stuff we did when we were younger and romancing our loves. Think of this time to bring you even closer, try some new things, hobbies, weekends away. Show her you are doing the best you can to understand her and all her symptoms.
Ways to keep the spark alive in your relationship
- If you don’t feel healthy, it’s extremely hard to feel sexy. So, as a first stop, make sure you eat a healthy diet.
- Certain nutrients and herbs can be extremely helpful if your sex drives needs a boost. Zinc is essential for hormone balance and sex drive, hence the old wives’ tale of using oysters (which contain high amounts of zinc) as an aphrodisiac. Vitamin B3 helps to reduce fatigue if you feel too tired to have sex.
- Depression is another major inhibitor of sexual desire. Try to understand why you are feeling low, so that you act appropriately when low feelings come. If you feel you can’t cope alone, reach out for the support of family and friends or see your doctor for a referral to a counselor.
- Get a good night’s sleep. When you are tired your sex drive is usually the first thing to go. The bottom line is that you can survive without sex but you can’t survive without sleep.
- Sex begins in the head – in a way it’s an idea that overtakes you. Your body’s physical reaction follows. A key part of starting that sexual idea is setting the mood and romantic music can help, as can low lighting, a candlelit bath, or your favourite romantic or raunchy film.
- If you feel you haven’t got time for romance, make time. Give it a higher priority in your life. However busy or stressful your life gets, try to make sure that you have some ‘couple time’ where you can unwind together and talk about your day. And plan regular meals out, cinema trips or weekend breaks so that the two of you get some special time together away from the hustle and bustle of your daily life.
- Cut out the libido-lowerers: smoking, recreational drug use, and alcohol, which have all been shown to lower sex drive.
- Regular exercise helps, as it can boost your mood and body image. Practising Kegel exercise can give you better toned pelvic muscles in order to grip your partner’s penis and increase your enjoyment.
- Stress is one of the greatest psychological causes of low libido, so take some time out of your busy day, every day, to relax and unwind.
As you and your partner both age, there are shifts occurring for both of you. Your partner's changes may look a little different to yours, she may barely notice the shifts in your body. The production of male hormones generally declines very gradually, usually less than one per cent a year after the age of 30 or so. Having hormonal shifts in common may just be the connection that you’ve been looking for! Snap.
Men in their 40-50 do note that they sometimes have
- reduced physical strength;
- a degree of muscle loss;
- mood swings and irritability;
- loss of libido;
- erectile dysfunction;
- changes in sleep patterns;
- reduced energy;
- depressed mood; and
- lack of motivation.
Mental health for both of you at this time is so important. If you are experiencing any of these symptoms, make sure there is not an underlying health issue. It may be as simple as testosterone decline. Men are often in denial about their symptoms, they have an "it will get better" or “she’ll be right” attitude. Making a date at the Dr for the both of you might just be a lifesaver.
“When we love another we face our shit, we face our limitations, we see where we lack skills. We see how bad our communication can be. We feel our reactivity and our sense of unworthiness. When we turn toward love towards a human who sees our light and wants to love us deeply we experience what it means to face a feeling we have not felt worthy of for some time…if not our whole lives. To love is easy. To BE loved requires the belief we’re worthy of it…and the only way to feel worthy is to allow yourself to be”. Mark Groves
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